my mouth tastes like poor choices
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
