i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
