I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
