why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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