I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
