apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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