That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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