Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
