There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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