Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
