The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
