If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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