I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
