i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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