I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
