apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
bring money and cleavage
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
