i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
