my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize