Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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