May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
