I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize