Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
