yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
