12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
