its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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