life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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