I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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