Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
