I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my shit smells like andre
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Randomize
