I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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