filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
