guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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