Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
