it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
