Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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