Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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