Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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