On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
