i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My ATM looks so different sober.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
