I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
