i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize