batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize