I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
