I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
