So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
