you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
