I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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