Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
