Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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