I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
