I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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