You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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