put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
