I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
