Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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