Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
