I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
