just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My liver just broke up with me...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
