i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
