why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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